tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post3403137363352617450..comments2023-10-30T08:00:54.059-04:00Comments on Laurel's Leaves: Internal Conflict BlogfestLaurel Garverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-45100322588614154022010-05-14T12:16:47.386-04:002010-05-14T12:16:47.386-04:00I really like how you've nailed your character...I really like how you've nailed your character, she's responsible with her boyfriend, but really wants her vacation without interruptions from death or anything else. I like her solution, although I don't know that it will magically fix her problems like she hopes it will.<br /><br />However, I hope that this character isn't all about "classic teen selfishness" because I don't think all teens are really geared that way, or even all adults. I've known teens who were given the option of going on a ski vacation instead of going to be with a dying loved one, and they chose to be with a dying loved one.Tyrean Martinsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15356604721537744361noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-28467815249586758422010-05-14T10:53:36.861-04:002010-05-14T10:53:36.861-04:00Theresa: Thanks. I was having computer troubles on...Theresa: Thanks. I was having computer troubles on fest day and went to look up the links Thursday and they were gone! I'll try to come by and check out your scene.<br /><br />Lynn: Thanks so much. Nailing the voice still feels difficult, as this is a sequel and I'm trying, as you say, to mature an existing character. <br /><br />Lola: Oh good, I've got you worried! :-) That means the tension is working. I'll be posting more scenes from this book in future fests. Stay tuned.<br /><br />Jen: I signed up late-ish for the fest and had trouble commenting on other participants' posts due to some blogger weirdness. <br /><br />Thanks for your kind words. Glad to have piqued your curiousity.Laurel Garverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-70449503066088910682010-05-13T18:52:38.181-04:002010-05-13T18:52:38.181-04:00Laurel how could I have possibly missed you yester...Laurel how could I have possibly missed you yesterday!!!<br /><br />I think everyone else pretty much said it all however just to repeat them so you know it's true here are my thoughts...<br /><br />The voice was wonderful, and as always you write beautifullly. I have several questions but I can't say that's a bad thing because as a reader I'd continue to read to find out what happens!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03667521490706435608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-89205831752977109772010-05-13T13:26:59.298-04:002010-05-13T13:26:59.298-04:00Well done. I can't offer any other critiques b...Well done. I can't offer any other critiques beyond what other's have said. I want to know more. Where's the mom? Has something bad happened to her?<br /><br />Nice work.<br />LolaLola Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14394765053485642935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-54376941617480865822010-05-13T12:55:33.374-04:002010-05-13T12:55:33.374-04:00The voice of this piece worked for me. Dani's ...The voice of this piece worked for me. Dani's thoughts and observations are consistant of a 17 year old who's maturer beyond her years due to tragedies in her life, but none-the-less a 17 year old. It flowed very well. I tripped over 'we'll while away' but like the alliteration. Nice work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-37864464338156453542010-05-13T11:30:28.802-04:002010-05-13T11:30:28.802-04:00You packed a lot of information in there, so we ge...You packed a lot of information in there, so we get several threads. And you left me hanging with so many questions. Good job!<br /><br />Yesterday, I participated in the Internal Dialogue Blog Fest too.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-5486097944059537822010-05-13T09:42:17.487-04:002010-05-13T09:42:17.487-04:00Sarahjayne: Thanks so much. It's the first tim...Sarahjayne: Thanks so much. It's the first time I've tossed out a rough for public viewing.<br /><br />Tricia: Yes! You somehow managed to follow that odd thought process correctly. I don't like overly long passages of character thought when I read, which probably led me to rush this too much. <br /><br />Jemi: the problems and dilemmas are pretty thick in this. Glad you enjoyed it.<br /><br />VR: the scene end needs some clarity. The uncle is also Poppa's kid. Dani's hope is that he also has medical power of attorney like her mother does and can approve the needed surgery.<br /><br />Tina: You're too sweet. Knowing someone else loves Dani makes me 10x more determined to fix what ails the scene. <br /><br />Tara: Thanks. You got it. She likes to think her motives are 100% noble--sparing Mum pain, for example. But yes, the selfish thing is definitely lurking there.Laurel Garverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-22271575018297249032010-05-13T09:26:14.359-04:002010-05-13T09:26:14.359-04:00Tess: Hmm. Dani's mental process obviously nee...Tess: Hmm. Dani's mental process obviously needs some clarity. #4 is the uncle, her mother's brother. This is the first I've tossed a rough out there, but everyone has been pretty kind about it.<br /><br />Jaycee: I think I need to do more work on voice in this so you're feeling the character's personality more. Though perhaps the out-of-context-ness of presenting a scene from the middle of a chapter is what's giving the "incomplete" feeling, since it's not meant to be a stand-alone piece.<br /><br />Justine: thanks for coming by and following. I'm seeing a theme here; the ending is unclear and rushed. Dani's thoughts morphing from her disappearing dream to taxis to her uncle need some work apparently. #4 is the uncle; Poppa is his father, too.<br /><br />Talli: I've got some pacing and clarity issues to fix for sure. Dani's solution to the Poppa problem is to call Poppa's other kid--the "prodigal son" uncle who had just come to mind. <br /><br />Sangu: This is tucked between two action scenes, so for pacing and scene variety, I needed some reflection and back story. A downside of using excerpts instead of short stories in these fests is not being able to show how the scene fits in the larger work.Laurel Garverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-33045710261112312032010-05-13T09:08:43.319-04:002010-05-13T09:08:43.319-04:00Great job of making that teen selfishness work. Sh...Great job of making that teen selfishness work. She worried about her grandfather, but in the end...me, me, me. Classic teenager!Tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09008153523366719973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-72637212371874279542010-05-13T09:02:02.954-04:002010-05-13T09:02:02.954-04:00Charity: thanks. Trying to make this a stand-alone...Charity: thanks. Trying to make this a stand-alone story is challenging. There's a lot of backstory clumped here, but I'm glad it flowed ok for you.<br /><br />Stu: hmm. My CPs also mentioned voice issues. I'll be on the lookout for that in revision.<br /><br />Janet: Dani's thought process is a bit complex and weird and I probably need to slow down that section for clarity. And thanks for the award!<br /><br />AA: Thanks for hosting! Action might help, though I suspect the issue is rushing the scene end, when more clarity of her thought process is needed.<br /><br />Donna: Thanks. This little scene is trying to do a lot of work, and perhaps too fast, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.Laurel Garverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-58879549277372157252010-05-13T04:14:56.658-04:002010-05-13T04:14:56.658-04:00Her voice is perfect. Love, love, love this!Her voice is perfect. Love, love, love this!Tina Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05914428134837892539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-49392705233073657302010-05-12T21:42:25.977-04:002010-05-12T21:42:25.977-04:00Well done, you. Lovely writing, flow and character...Well done, you. Lovely writing, flow and character description. I, too, was a little confused by the taxi after the Paris dream faded into the distance. But I'm dying to know how anyone can "make the Poppa problem disappear."VR Barkowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04927993233682731113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-20874048611795281932010-05-12T21:27:14.511-04:002010-05-12T21:27:14.511-04:00Wow - great job of making me feel her tension and ...Wow - great job of making me feel her tension and stress! Great scene :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-30532145232339307002010-05-12T19:46:03.487-04:002010-05-12T19:46:03.487-04:00Laurel, I love this and the flow of your language....Laurel, I love this and the flow of your language. You've mangaged to let us know so much in such a short space. I'm already worried about the grandfather, the missing mother and the trip to Paris that could be a balm but may never happen. I love the line about the dream pulling away like a face in a taxi window, but I got lost right after that, not knowing how she was seeing the homeless guy who morphed into her uncle. I assumed the speed dial was her uncle, though. Wonderful, lovely work.Tricia J. O'Brienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05993110400088806252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-88012479960487429972010-05-12T19:22:29.110-04:002010-05-12T19:22:29.110-04:00I love the quiet sense of pain you weave in throug...I love the quiet sense of pain you weave in through here and I love the description you have. Really excellent. :)sarahjayne smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-64283255773721514282010-05-12T15:10:36.616-04:002010-05-12T15:10:36.616-04:00I love the way you've portrayed her anguish he...I love the way you've portrayed her anguish here, and the sense of family we get from just a few paragraphs of text. I think this could be even more gripping and pace-y if you had her moving a little more and moving along little faster instead of keeping this static.Sangu Mandannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09464061265952789628noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-78070055270520406282010-05-12T14:49:14.028-04:002010-05-12T14:49:14.028-04:00Really enjoyed this! Like everyone else, I want to...Really enjoyed this! Like everyone else, I want to know what's behind speed dial 4!Talli Rolandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04780882465745107715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-4557049893363916712010-05-12T13:24:22.491-04:002010-05-12T13:24:22.491-04:00I had the same problem with the taxi part, but oth...I had the same problem with the taxi part, but other that, it was interesting. <br /><br />And I'm always wondering whose #4 on the speed dial! <br /><br />Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm officially a follower of yours ;-) <br /><br />~JDJEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12390400360357693403noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-75890320287245186012010-05-12T13:11:41.429-04:002010-05-12T13:11:41.429-04:00I really really really enjoyed this. If it's a...I really really really enjoyed this. If it's a WIP and part of an upcoming novel, you've found a fan in me. You have a lovely way of expressing emotions. <br /><br />It's so incomplete...I feel like we should know more about the character though.Jennifer A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06618639466963813761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-45628052678413061982010-05-12T10:58:03.649-04:002010-05-12T10:58:03.649-04:00Who is on speed dial #4? I'm so curious!
and,...Who is on speed dial #4? I'm so curious!<br /><br />and, bravo for sharing your work. that takes courage. it was lovely.Tesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10014195715998913268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-73467965108277466852010-05-12T10:41:52.635-04:002010-05-12T10:41:52.635-04:00The reality of death, and the way it interrupts li...The reality of death, and the way it interrupts life plans, is so difficult for the young to accept. "The Poppa problem"; vividly put.<br /><br />Lot of character building here; backstory and current dilemma expertly woven together.<br /><br />Well done.<br /><br />.........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-22547913719188326512010-05-12T10:39:43.330-04:002010-05-12T10:39:43.330-04:00This is great, Laurel. I like her slow lead up to ...This is great, Laurel. I like her slow lead up to her more stable thoughts at the end of the scene. Although I got a little confused about what was actually going on, I loved your people descriptions - it really helps to picture your characters. I think a little more vivid action in this scene will help pick it up nicely! Thanks for participating! :)Jessica Bellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10889900730906728317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-57069950412121355372010-05-12T10:35:39.959-04:002010-05-12T10:35:39.959-04:00Beautiful writing Laurel. The taxi portion left me...Beautiful writing Laurel. The taxi portion left me a little confused. I wasn't sure what was real, and the taxi reference seemed to come out of nowhere. But I love the thoughts of Paris though and watching their plans all melt. Beautiful.<br /><br />And also, if you want it, I left you an award over at my blog. :)Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-45957914807719321082010-05-12T10:01:55.833-04:002010-05-12T10:01:55.833-04:00I like the dilemma here, along with most of the wr...I like the dilemma here, along with most of the writing. Your readers are right, the figures of speech don't really work, except possibly for the one describing the bleeding. There are also a couple of moments where you can't seem to decide between the character's voice and a more neutral one. Other than that, great.stuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16388674850920848503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4263988256560129564.post-31691874596977696362010-05-12T08:18:24.093-04:002010-05-12T08:18:24.093-04:00Great job Laurel. I like the flow of her thoughts ...Great job Laurel. I like the flow of her thoughts and how she finds a choice she is comfortable with. I also like how you set things up and give background info without if feeling like a dump.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com