Thursday, September 08, 2011

Posted by Laurel Garver on Thursday, September 08, 2011 10 comments

by Abby Gabby, Ravenclaw

Dear Abby Gabby,
I’ve accidentally scheduled two dates with two boys for the same night! What do I do?
~Split in two from Slytherin

Dear Split,
Well, it’s no surprise to me a sneaky Slytherin would do something like that. Get yourself a time-turner so you can be in two places at once! There may be one available in the school, but you’ll have to find the bearer, which shouldn’t be too hard. Just check all the advanced classes and if you see the same student twice— that’ll be your girl.

***

Dear Abby Gabby,
Is there a way to guarantee I won’t eat a bogey flavored Bertie Bott’s bean?
~Snot-shy from Ravenclaw

Dear Snots,
Yes. Just offer Ron Weasley a few— he’s notorious for getting bogey flavored beans every time. Then you should be fine to eat the rest without getting a bogey one. Just watch out for the vomit flavored bean—usually orange-speckled pink. That one’s a doozie.

***

Dear Abby Gabby,
I really want the guy I like to win a spot on the Quidditch team, but my Gryffindor conscience is not letting me do anything sneaky. What do I do?
~Honorable from Gryffindor

Dear Goody Goody,
Unwad your panties and perform a Confundus charm on the competition. Live a little—you never know how fun it is until you try. Besides, you can use it as an excuse to practice your charms. You never know when you might need this spell in a real battle.

***

Dear Abby Gabby,
There is this girl I really like in my Potions class. But I’m too shy to approach her! What do I do?
~Nervous from Hufflepuff

Dear Nerves,
Brew yourself some Felix Felicis potion to give you the confidence to ask her out! It will need to stew for six months, however, so during that time practice your smile!

Word of warning: it may make you overconfident, so I’d get advice from some who has had experience with it like Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. (There is a rumor going around that Ron was tricked and did not actually consume the potion the day of his best-ever Quidditch match, so take his advice with a grain of salt.)

Thestral Gazette advice columnist Abby Gabby, a member of the Ravenclaw house, prefers to keep her true identity a secret (for the sake of her trusted advisees, of course). She loves divination, lending a shoulder to cry on, and quite possibly has the slightest crush on Professor Firenze. She blogs as her alter ego, Abby Minard at Above Water.

Thestral Gazette is an unofficial publication for students of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Founded by Luna Lovegood and Colin Creevy, the tabloid continues its fine tradition of yellow journalism under the editorship of Laurel Garver and a large staff of student reporters. To join the reporting staff, contact us at thestralgazette (at) gmail (dot) com.

See all the back issues at our archive site:
THESTRAL GAZETTE

How would you advise these Hogwarts students? Any new questions for Abby?

10 comments:

  1. I'd say she's a pretty spiffy advice-giver. Thanks Laurel ;p

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  2. That was fun. I've been away from this advice column too long.

    .....dhole

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  3. Yes, it's always best to let Ron pick out the bogey flavored beans before trying any yourself - great advice! :)

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  4. "Unwad your panties...live a little." I love it! I wouldn't change any of the advise Abby's given.

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  5. That's some pretty great advice, especially the unwad your panties.

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  6. Love reading these! Now I feel like thinking of a few questions...

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  7. Those were so cute! What a creative way to bring Harry Potter to the blogosphere! :D

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  8. Matthew: What would Hogwarts do without Abby's help? :-D

    Abby: Indeed she is. Pithy and wise!

    Donna: We all need some fun, don't we?

    Susan: Ron is so helpful that way. Couldn't live without his performing this essential service.

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  9. Lynn: Me too. A great reminder to take a few more risks in life.

    Patti: Yup. Cutting loose is so needed at times.

    Deniz: Send 'em on over--Abby is eager to help.

    Nisa: We've been having a blast with our little "underground newspaper." Glad you enjoyed it.

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