Thursday, May 26, 2011

Posted by Laurel Garver on Thursday, May 26, 2011 26 comments
As summer approaches, the Thestral Gazette is moving to Thestral Thursdays! Hot off the presses, here's the latest scoop from reporter/guest poster Michael Di Gesu.


by Michael Di Gesu, Ravenclaw

LONDON— After maniacal decree number whatever, this investigative reporter decided to learn more about beloved High Inquisitor and Head Mistress of Hogwarts.

Hold onto your wands, broomsticks, and lunch, dear readers. Archives of the Daily Prophet reveal that Dolores Jane Umbridge was Miss Britain Witch 1947.

No, I didn’t put a spell on this article; you are reading correctly. That toad-faced, slack-jawed, sadist was once a beauty queen. What happened to her stunning good looks? For answers, we’ll have to grab a time-turner and go back more than half a century.

Thestral Gazette recently obtained sealed Ministry records from an investigator working deep undercover. They reveal that our so-called pure-blood Headmistress was born to not one, but two muggle parents: Dick and Jane Rumbridge of Bury St. Edmunds, Suffolk. Oh, the irony of her torturing students like Harry Potter to tell “the truth.” Miss Umbridge, as she renamed herself, has plenty to answer for!

After winning her title, sources say the flaxen-haired beauty entered the Ministry of Magic weaving tall tales of her pure ancestry. No-one questioned it. Her sultry looks and girlish voice mesmerized all, especially the male population. Umbridge quickly rose to influential positions with skills that some say would make even Peeves blush.

Her vixen ways and heart-stopping good looks (I still can’t even fathom this) led to a torrid affair with Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge. Within a month of her connection with Fudge, Umbridge was appointed Senior Undersecretary. The two were seen everywhere together: the opera, the Quidditch World Cup, and even at a quiet little bistro in Paris.

The Minister’s wife, Tatiana Fudge, a half-Veela former beauty queen, caught wind of the affair. She hunted down the lovers and found them together in the Leaky Caldron’s bridal suite. Outraged, she cast the Bulgarian-Bullfrog hex: a complicated spell only Veelas can cast. To add insult to injury, Mrs. Fudge left Umbridge with only her girlish voice intact.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Fudge did nothing to her straying husband. Her reason? “My Neil is so very kind to heez staff,” she said. “Zat leetle vorm Dolly Umbridge took total advantage of heez kindness! I lay zee blame entirely on zat tart!”

Devastated to be hideous, Umbridge retaliated in the only way she could—by drafting legislation to oppress part-humans like Mrs. Fudge, including centaurs and werewolves. Our favorite Defense against the Dark Arts professor, Remus Lupin, is now in hiding because of her bitter campaign.

Feeling guilty for his part in Umbridge’s cursed transformation, and perhaps to remove her ugly face from his sight, Fudge appointed her High Inquisitor and Headmistress.

Will we ever be rid of her? Only time will tell. Our best hope is for part-human hybrids to rise up and do her in.

Michael Di Gesu is the Thestral Gazette’s investigative reporter. If you have anything to hide, he will sniff it out. When he’s not digging up secrets and sordid affairs, you’ll find him on the Quidditch pitch with friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Terrified of flying himself, he’s yet to take flight with his buddies. Harry’s still working on it. “Someday I’ll get him on a broom!” Michael blogs at: http://writing-art-and-design.blogspot.com/.

Thestral Gazette is an unofficial publication for students of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Founded by Luna Lovegood and Colin Creevy, the tabloid continues its fine tradition of yellow journalism under the editorship of Laurel Garver and a large staff of student reporters. To join the reporting staff, contact us at thestralgazette (at) gmail (dot) com.

Back issues of the Thestral Gazette:
Issue 1: Mrs. Norris's secret identity revealed
Issue 2: Being bullied? Weasel your way out.
Issue 3: Viktor Krum Reunites with Former Girlfriend

Which shady character should Michael investigate next?

Best wishes for a good Memorial Day weekend. Don't forget to enter my Triplicity prize drawing and contest!

26 comments:

  1. Brilliant article. It's an interesting insight into Dolores Umbridge.

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  2. I would have expected nothing else from Michael. He's always been about his wits when it comes to the secrets that Umbridge keeps. It's nice to finally know the truth even if she brought a lot of harm to muggles for centuries. It's about time we put a stop the madness.

    Well done Michael. Well done. Perhaps this weekend we'll get you on a broom but first let's become candyholics at Honeydukes :)

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  3. Pure genius! I LOVE this. "I didn't put a spell on this article..." Love that too. Bravo, Michael!

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  4. I love it, Magic! ;)

    Really, it's too cute and reads like a gem. Such a twist too. Smashing!

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  5. I loved the twist. But be careful. Investigative reporters have to be careful in the world of magic! Roland

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  6. Thanks Spangle,

    I'm glad you enjoyed the article.

    Jen,

    I could definitely use a few chocolate frogs for energy!

    Thanks, Liz

    I love that line too...

    Ah, thanks PK.... I'm blushing.

    Roland,

    I will be careful, don't worry. I have angels guarding me from unwanted spells.

    Laurel,

    Thanks for the opportunity; I love this Idea.... The Thestral Gazette is too fun!

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  7. Brilliant!!
    Umbridge's taste for pink and girly finally makes sense! :D :D

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  8. Well my magic brother you seem to have found a new career. An absolute pleasure to read, even for a Harry Potter virgin such as myself. Just have never gotten around to reading or watching his movies yet. Have always meant to and now I have one more reason. You can cast a spell on me anyday :)

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  9. Hem, hem! Just kidding! Brilliant investigation, I can't wait for more!

    I have an apprentice broom you can borrow...

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  10. I love this. :D Who would have thought that of Umbridge?!

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  11. Geez, SIv,

    How could a virtual sister of mine not read them yet... Definitely do the books before the movies; they are SO much better.

    Margo,

    Loved the "Hem, hem!" I definitely need to start with an apprentice broom. Harry wants me to use is Firebolt..... NOT A CHANCE!

    Holly,

    Thanks for stopping by to read my first assignment.

    Golden,

    SO glad you enjoyed it.

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  12. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, very nice. You may or may not know this, but my HP stomping grounds had a delusional Thursday idea that Dolores and Cornelius were responsible for chocolate frogs (get it... fudge and a toad?) too funny.

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  13. So much fun!!! THanks for the smiles :)

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  14. Thanks again, Michael, for your wonderfully fun guest post and thanks especially for hopping right in to respond to comments. I've had a more busy day than usual with work and family stuff.

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  15. Hart,

    Love the thought of Fudge and Dolores responsible for chocolate frogs. But you know SHE would never do anything to please anyone especially kids.

    Jemi,

    I'm glad that you dropped by and had a good laugh

    Laurel,

    It was my pleasure. Thanks for the assignment. I'm looking forward to the next one.

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  16. (= How clever! This made me smile.

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  17. Excellent article! Michael is super funny!

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  18. Brilliant! Michael, you really dug up the goods on Umbridge. Great job!

    And what a fun feature. :)

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  19. you guys are too much fun! I'm reading Little Women aloud to the girls right now, and this just reminded me of the Pickwick Chronicles~ :D

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  20. I didn't even know the Leaky Cauldron had a bridal suite!

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  21. Hahahaha! I can't believe it! Umbridge a bona-fide beauty queen. That's what she gets for messing with a Veela.

    This was brilliantly written. A+ to the reporter. ;)

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  22. So glad I could make you smile Jo!

    Colene,

    Thanks for stopping by, it's nice to see you.

    Elana,

    I am honored. I know how busy you are with you book release scheduled for next week!

    Leigh,

    That's a great comparison. Little Women is a classic for little girls. Enjoy your read.

    Susan,

    Doesn't every hotel? If not they can always zap one up!

    Thanks, Nicki,

    It's true.... you should NEVER fool around with a Veela, even a part one.

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  23. Hi Laurel,
    Just wanted to let you know your interview has been posted over at my blog.

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  24. Brilliant article, Michael! I had no idea... Bullfrog hex, huh? lol
    Can't wait to see more of your investigative journalism!

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  25. Ethnic cleansing is such a heinous crime.
    I always wondered how she survived the centaurs.

    I wouldn't say Imelda Staunton was ugly though :O)

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