Thursday, June 2

Posted by Laurel Garver on Thursday, June 02, 2011 23 comments
My name may be Abby Gabby, but there's no need to use the stupify spell to keep me from gabbing! My lips are zipped, so ask this Ravenclaw gal for advice and I’ll give you an answer!

Dear Abby Gabby,
My erm...mandrake plant has horrible acne. How should I clear it up? I’ve tried everything! It really hates being made fun of in school. Especially in potions in front of Professor Snape.
~Spotted in Hufflepuff

Dear Spots,
While I find it hard to believe your mandrake plant is taking potions with Professor Snape, I’ll play along because I am kind and generous like that and would never put a student on the spot. Ha, get it? On the spot?

Anyhoo, mix up this dandy little brew I conjured up several years ago while experimenting with muggle chemicals:
~2 drops of what muggles call “Windex”
~an eye of newt
~a drop of spider venom (you can get Aragog to donate some)
~a pinch of belly button lint

Mix it all together and say: Acnio Destructo. Then apply to your—I mean, the mandrake’s—face and let sit for four hours. Rise off with cool water. Tip: do not keep on longer than four hours or else your face may just melt off.

I assume NO responsibility for the consequences. But I must say, my face has been as clear as a baby’s bottom for quite a few years now.

Dear Abby Gabby,
I can’t seem to get rid of this pesky house elf that keeps following me around. Any advice?
~Paranoid in Gryffindor

Dear Paranoid,
Trick his master into giving the elf his sock. Then the elf will be free and out of your hair. Works every time. Tip: keep the house elf as a friend, though—you never know when you may need him.

Dear Abby Gabby,
I caught my boyfriend sneaking off into the Room of Requirement the other day by himself. I tried to follow him in, but it shut me out. What could he possibly be doing by himself in there?
~Confused in Slytherin

Dear Confused,
There are two possible answers to this one:
A. He is meeting another girl, in which case you have my permission to put a hex on them both.
B. He is, um, how should I say this, meditating. In which case, leave him be and give him a couple extra smooches at the end of the day.

Dear Abby Gabby,
The boy I like has a disgusting pet rat. It’s been in his family for years. I really want to go out with him, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to his rat. What should I do?
~Grossed out in Gryffindor

Dear Grossy,
What you need is a cat. A big, fat, orange cat. Every time you come around, the rat will run away. Then you can cuddle with your dreamy wizard without worrying about the nasty rat. Tip: keep a close eye on that rat—if it doesn’t keel over from old age in the next few years, you may have more than just a rat on your hands.

Thestral Gazette advice columnist Abby Gabby, a member of the Ravenclaw house, prefers to keep her true identity a secret (for the sake of her trusted advisees, of course). She loves divination, lending a shoulder to cry on, and quite possibly has the slightest crush on Professor Firenze. She blogs as her alter ego, Abby Minard at Above Water.

Thestral Gazette is an unofficial publication for students of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Founded by Luna Lovegood and Colin Creevy, the tabloid continues its fine tradition of yellow journalism under the editorship of Laurel Garver and a large staff of student reporters. To join the reporting staff, contact us at thestralgazette (at) gmail (dot) com.

Back issues of the Thestral Gazette:
Issue 1: Mrs. Norris's secret identity revealed
Issue 2: Being bullied? Weasel your way out.
Issue 3: Viktor Krum Reunites with Former Girlfriend
Issue 4: Umbridge Unmasked

What questions do you have for Abby Gabby?


  1. HA! Abby is the best! This was hilarious!! Awesome job, very entertaining!!

  2. Oh, I love this so much! I can't imagine what's going on in that room of requirement. Oh my.

  3. What a terrific concept Abby. I love this. AN advise column is SO needed for Hogwarts students.

    We are both in the same house..... I'll look for you in the common room. I might get a good tip from you for my next investigative piece ....

  4. Thanks again, Abby, for your fabulous guest post!

  5. Colene: It sure is. And hey, your turn is coming up pretty soon, too!

    Melissa: Hee hee. Abby handled that one with marvelous tact. :-)

    Michael: I've heard that her advice has been especially helpful to some of the Gryffindors. :-)

  6. These are just way too fun, Laurel. You are so creative! You should be a writer. :-)

  7. Shannon: This is a guest post--all Abby's clever fun. ;-) I hope you get a chance to check out the other posts in the series.

    Elle: This HP-inspired series of guest posts is due to continue every Thursday for a while. Glad you enjoyed it.

  8. Thanks guys! It was a lot of fun to write :) I may be able to be persuaded to do another one!

  9. Way cool; loved it.


  10. Abby: Please, please, do! I'd love to keep the gazette going all summer and possibly beyond!

    Donna: glad you enjoyed. And hey, we're always open to new "reporters" if you ever want to do a post.

  11. I do love your Thestral Gazettes. If I ever come up with an article idea, I'll send it over. These are so much fun to read. Tagged you and your contest on yesterday's post, btw. :)

    Oh, and this is Victoria from New computer,+ Internet Explorer + Blogger do NOT mix and it's not allowing me to use my google account. Grrr.

  12. Oh what fun! I'll have to read the backissues, this is the first one I've seen. Acnio Destructo!

  13. Haha I love this Abby. You are so wise. =] I indeed have heard that newt eyes can work wonders if you use them in the right potions! Thanks for guest posting today, and I look forward to reading more issues from the Thestral Gazette!


  14. This really made my day. Thanks, Laurel, for the laugh.

    (Love the room of requirement one) :D

  15. These are great! Love the rat and cat :-) But poor Snape... he gets such a bad rap...

  16. Victoria: I was wondering when the meme would reach me. :-) And we're always looking for guest posters if you do come up with an article idea!

    GE: Pretty fun, huh? I'm hoping Abby Gabby will be back again later this summer.

    Margo: The concept started from a HP blogfest and I decided it was a great way to incorporate more guest posts. As the proud host, I must say the back issues are pretty awesome.

  17. TRA: Always good to have recipes for those newt eyes! LOL.

    Stina: the Harry Potter fun continues every Thursday! Glad you enjoyed this.

    Deniz: Poor Snape indeed. But I can imagine for an insecure teen, having to face his withering stares daily might be hard to take.

  18. I'm loving these Gazette features! Great advice Abby.

  19. Ha! I loved reading Abby's advice.

  20. WRITING CONTEST......My blog Amish Stories is having its first ever contest this week. The First prize winner will win 2 tickets to tour the farm where the 1985 move "Witness" staring Harrison Ford and Kelly Mcgillis was made in Strasburg,Pa . This farm is now Amish owned, and the family has given permission for folks to tour their farm. This may be the last time anyone will be able to walk and see the same things that Harrison Ford and the other actors saw during the making of "Witness". The Witness tour should last about 2.5 hours. In addition to the Witness farm tour tickets, 1st prize winner will also receive 2 tickets for Jacobs choice. There will also be a 2nd place prize, which will be 2 tickets for the Amish Homestead. Please go to My blog for contest details, and more information on the prizes. Richard from the Amish settlement of Lebanon county.

  21. Oh Abby, you crack me up!! This was too cute. LOVE it. And lurve you. What a clever idea these articles were, Laurel.