Ask Abby Gabby: Advice for Wizards and Witches

My name may be Abby Gabby, but there's no need to use the stupify spell to keep me from gabbing! My lips are zipped, so ask this Ravenclaw gal for advice and I’ll give you an answer!


Dear Abby Gabby,
My erm...mandrake plant has horrible acne. How should I clear it up? I’ve tried everything! It really hates being made fun of in school. Especially in potions in front of Professor Snape.
~Spotted in Hufflepuff

Dear Spots,
While I find it hard to believe your mandrake plant is taking potions with Professor Snape, I’ll play along because I am kind and generous like that and would never put a student on the spot. Ha, get it? On the spot?

Anyhoo, mix up this dandy little brew I conjured up several years ago while experimenting with muggle chemicals:
~2 drops of what muggles call “Windex”
~an eye of newt
~a drop of spider venom (you can get Aragog to donate some)
~a pinch of belly button lint

Mix it all together and say: Acnio Destructo. Then apply to your—I mean, the mandrake’s—face and let sit for four hours. Rise off with cool water. Tip: do not keep on longer than four hours or else your face may just melt off.

I assume NO responsibility for the consequences. But I must say, my face has been as clear as a baby’s bottom for quite a few years now.
~AG


Dear Abby Gabby,
I can’t seem to get rid of this pesky house elf that keeps following me around. Any advice?
~Paranoid in Gryffindor

Dear Paranoid,
Trick his master into giving the elf his sock. Then the elf will be free and out of your hair. Works every time. Tip: keep the house elf as a friend, though—you never know when you may need him.
~AG


Dear Abby Gabby,
I caught my boyfriend sneaking off into the Room of Requirement the other day by himself. I tried to follow him in, but it shut me out. What could he possibly be doing by himself in there?
~Confused in Slytherin

Dear Confused,
There are two possible answers to this one:
A. He is meeting another girl, in which case you have my permission to put a hex on them both.
B. He is, um, how should I say this, meditating. In which case, leave him be and give him a couple extra smooches at the end of the day.
~AG


Dear Abby Gabby,
The boy I like has a disgusting pet rat. It’s been in his family for years. I really want to go out with him, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to his rat. What should I do?
~Grossed out in Gryffindor

Dear Grossy,
What you need is a cat. A big, fat, orange cat. Every time you come around, the rat will run away. Then you can cuddle with your dreamy wizard without worrying about the nasty rat. Tip: keep a close eye on that rat—if it doesn’t keel over from old age in the next few years, you may have more than just a rat on your hands.
~AG

Thestral Gazette advice columnist Abby Gabby, a member of the Ravenclaw house, prefers to keep her true identity a secret (for the sake of her trusted advisees, of course). She loves divination, lending a shoulder to cry on, and quite possibly has the slightest crush on Professor Firenze. She blogs as her alter ego, Abby Minard at Above Water.


Thestral Gazette is an unofficial publication for students of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Founded by Luna Lovegood and Colin Creevy, the tabloid continues its fine tradition of yellow journalism under the editorship of Laurel Garver and a large staff of student reporters. To join the reporting staff, contact us at thestralgazette (at) gmail (dot) com.

Back issues of the Thestral Gazette:
Issue 1: Mrs. Norris's secret identity revealed
Issue 2: Being bullied? Weasel your way out.
Issue 3: Viktor Krum Reunites with Former Girlfriend
Issue 4: Umbridge Unmasked

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Categories: advice, Harry Potter, just for fun, Thestral Gazette